THE SECRET OF HAPPINESS: WHY BEING HAPPY SHOULD NOT BE YOUR GOAL IN LIFE
Imagine having a conversation with God.
God: What do you want for yourself?
You: I want to be happy.
God: As you wish.
Wouldn’t it be amazing if God really granted all our wishes and we just lived happily ever after? HELL YEAH!!
But let’s just look into what living happily ever after would actually look like.
Most probably ALL of your wishes would have been fulfilled and you would’ve finally received all the things that you ever desired to be, do or have for the rest of your life.
A situation where every morning you wake up and there it is: Your dream life, FOR REAL!
How does it make you feel to even think about having it all right now? Not so amazing, right? Once you realize that you will have nothing left to desire or to aim for or even to expect, the uneasiness sets in.
That’s a surprising revelation because none of our fairy tales taught us about what happens in our happily ever after.
The stories always end with their wishes fulfilled and we just assume (that’s right, it’s just an assumption) that they are happy thereafter.
What then happens in reality?
Haven’t we all been through similar situations as the protagonists in fairy tales? ( No, I am not talking about our prince charming (or princess) saving us from our miserable boring life, although who wouldn’t love that! ).
I am talking about all the moments when we worked really hard for something and we received the rewards for our hard work (e.g. getting the job that we wanted so much, moving to a new city or even finally being in a relationship), what happened when we achieved what we wanted so much?
How long did the ecstasy last? A year? A month? A week?
It faded away sooner than you expected.
So, what went wrong?
The truth is that, nothing went wrong. This is how it was supposed to happen.
Is this why there’s a constant sense of dissatisfaction in the background of our lives? (How often do you say “I am fine”? Because when you say that, you are probably not so fine.)
Well, let us first understand what makes us happy.
The science behind happiness
According to researchers, our happy hormones (especially Dopamine), is at its peak while anticipating a favourable outcome. Which is why you are happier while planning a vacation than when you are actually on the vacation or why you are more excited with the possibility of getting the new job than while actually working at your new office.
The expectation of an enjoyable future is always more interesting to us than the actual experience of the event. (Damn you Biology!)
Yet this is only part of the problem.
The real problem begins with your “Pursuit of Happyness”
Even when your experience matches your anticipation, you still are not able to fully enjoy it.
Why?
Because as I mentioned earlier, you expect to live “happily ever after”. You want that happy moment to last forever.
The problem with setting ‘being happy’ as your ultimate goal in life is that, happiness is the most transient of all the emotions that we feel.
More often than not, all it takes to shift your mood from feeling happy to annoyed, bitter or even sad is a snap from a stranger, a bad phone call or getting stuck in a traffic jam. A minor inconvenience happens and suddenly, all your “happy thoughts” about your life seems to have flushed away from your system.
To base your well-being on something so short-lived is not wise at all. The more you try to be happy and hold on to happy moments, the unhappier you end up.
So, am I telling you to let go of your pursuit of happiness?
Not really.
But I am asking you to stop giving so much importance to happiness.
What then is the secret to a happy life?
To be honest, there are no 10 steps or secret ways to have a happy life.
However, in order to ensure that you live a happy and meaningful life, you should prepare yourself in a way such that the absence of happy moments doesn’t make you feel unhappy, gloomy or just “fine”.
And how do you do that?
By cultivating a positive mindset.
Wait a minute! Isn’t this contradictory: trying to be positive without being happy?
To your surprise, a positive mindset is much more than wishful thinking and mindlessly feeling happy all the time.
It’s a way of consciously cultivating a perspective that helps you to think constructively.
It helps you to not feel overwhelmed when faced with difficult life situations.
Having a positive outlook doesn’t teach you to ignore your problems, it rather enables you to expect the solution. (You are more likely to come up with a solution when thinking about solving your problem rather when you are so merged in your problems that you can’t even think straight!)
How to cultivate a positive mindset
Every change begins with a choice. You must first choose to think constructively.
A good start would be by changing the way you explain the things that has happened to you. Catch yourself whenever you are telling your life story in a way that takes away your power and try to change the narrative you use.
Moreover, you must realize that a mindset is not about affirmations and few good thoughts. It’s not so much about what you think, as it is about how you think.
Changing a mindset requires you to unlearn your old way of thinking, being and doing and learn new ways that help you.
The reality of life is that no one can guarantee you a happily ever after. Challenges will arise as long as you shall live. If you are chasing something as fleeting as happiness, you are likely to end up being more miserable and possibly a victim of your unrealistic expectations.
But once you realize that the purpose of human life is deeper than mere pursuit of happiness and say yes to life as it comes, you allow yourself to be stronger.
The best way to prepare for the difficult times is not by avoiding taking risks, but by preparing yourself in a way so that you don’t get sucked into darkness when life doesn’t seem to go your way.
After all, it is due to impermanence that everything is possible.
